


WarMinds

by Panda (Pabu)



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Fantasy, M/M, Magic Realism, TW mental illness, is any of this for real or not?, only minor axel/roxas, only minor hayner/roxas, roadtrip!fic, the five stages of grief, the vanitas/roxas is sort of weird in this fic but you'll see, this story is very personal to me!, trigger warnings are as follows, tw death, tw drug abuse, tw grief, tw panic attacks, tw smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 01:59:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6404017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pabu/pseuds/Panda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxas is determined not to go down the same road as his drug-addicted mother. But recovery comes with lessons, some missteps, and a road trip that brings Roxas to meet some quite strange people. For starters, there's the boy who looks just like him, eternally sleeping in the tower. There's the devil with the fire-licked hair who has a way of making the needle look so much more tempting than its ever been. And then there's the boy who he travels with, Sora, whose entire identity is an enigma, from the muddled past, to the color-shift of his eyes, to the shadowed man that follows his every footstep. Recovery is a long and twisting road. Roxas/Sora</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> comment, like my new strange soroku fic. every time i start a fic it's like a journey and you know, journeys are always more fun with people coming along for the ride. check the tag for trigger warnings. this is going to be a dark fic. also, my mom just passed away two months ago and this fic is proving to be really cathartic so yeah just letting you guys know. hope you enjoy the prologue.

When we grieve, we are desperate for epiphanies. I had just found out that, on the edge of a mountain, that no such thing exists, and the mountain could only echo your loneliness. Standing on the edge I wondered, could I float? No, I couldn’t. That was impossible, but then I thought back to the all the impossibilities I had seen over the course of this past week: A man literally blinded by darkness, a girl who could erase memories, and even the Devil himself. 

Again, I wondered, could I float? No, I had to remember one thing: I was too weighed down by all the pain, anxiety, and grief. Gods, when had I become such a sad thing? Like a strike of lightening, an image of my mom’s corpse came and went in my head. 

I leaned over and felt the weight tipping my shoes forward, felt my body become like lead and for that second there was the rush right before you fall. You know the feeling? I remembered talking to Sora about it on that night in the hotel…when I had woken up from the hypnic jerk that lurched you away from the beginning stages of sleep. 

This wasn’t a dream though. This was the edge. I blinked, swallowed thickly and looked around at the cascading mountains that reached out for eternities that I could never touch, could never cross in this lifetime or the next. Mountains that spanned infinities and I was here on the edge, imagining the ease, the difficulty, the inevitability of falling. I closed my eyes, listened as the wind cut past my ears, and imagined there would be someone there to catch me if I fell. But, it was just like that girl had said back at the oasis. 

‘Sometimes the person you fall for isn’t always there to catch you.’

I opened my eyes and squinted against the setting sun that lit everything in oranges and pinks and reds. I thought of blood and red hair and the feeling of almost dying a few days ago. In those moments with the devil, my heart hadn’t rattled, my mind hadn’t fussed for once. I had felt a calm. I hadn’t thought of coffins or those who slept inside them. I had never felt that kind of peace before, well, except for those moments I laid beside Sora and talked hours into the night, staring at motel ceilings or stars. 

But people were so much more of a gamble than the calm peace that came from death. 

I looked back down, over the edge. There wouldn’t be anyone there to catch me. I’d fall in a mess of tangled, broken limbs against the hills and curves of the mountains. But then again, I thought as I tightened my grip on the steel railing, wasn’t that the entire point? To fall without being caught? 

“Going to jump?”

I flinched, knowing who it was without having to turn around. My heart fell. I had never heard Sora sound so completely broken before. He had started to sound like me, I thought as I looked behind me. Sora had his hand out towards me, as if he could stop me from doing something stupid from where he was standing. Judging by the look on his face, he didn’t trust me not to do something stupid. 

“What if I was…?” I turned around to face him. I faked a smile but he didn’t mirror it back. It hurt not to be at the other end of his smile for once. Instead I was on the other end of a distrusting, horrified expression in his face, in his eyes. In this light, his eyes glowed like the water from a lit pool. An almost impossible shade of blue. Like they weren’t real. I swallowed, my eyes widening. 

“You were the one at the—“

“So, this is the World That Never Was, huh?” He said, referencing the mountains behind us, promptly cutting me off. 

I swallowed. His eyes seemed normal again. Maybe I was just imagining things. Or the light from the sun…all of a sudden an intense itch came over the side of my face. When I pulled my hand away I saw the blood that had caked underneath my nails turn back from black to fresh, bright red. I suddenly felt sick, and when I looked back at Sora I saw him like I had that night, watching me, while I was too drunk, too high to have recognized him until now. How strange…

“It’s something, right?” He continued, and I noticed he was slowly inching forwards. 

“I could be a part of it forever,” I said without thinking. If I fell, who would even know, besides Sora? My body could be a part of the mountains for the eternity that they would survive. 

His brows drew forward. 

I didn’t turn my back on him but clutched the rail behind me, my heart pounding. 

“You don’t know how hard this whole trip has been. I’m scared of what I’ll find at Destiny Islands.” Sora gave me a strange look, one that I couldn’t quite place. “And them my mom—“ My voice broke and I turned around, back to face the mountains. I could be a part of them. A boy that never was. One less confused, messy kid in the world. 

I looked over the rail and laughed bitterly. This rail wasn’t even really a rail. It was so short. All I had to do was step on the first bar like this, then the second, then lean forward. There it was: that feeling again. Of falling. I barely even heard Sora calling my name as the wind whistled in my ear. I stared down, down, down—

“Roxas! Get down, please?” A pause, then softly, “You’re Mom wouldn’t want this…” 

I blinked back into reality. I hadn’t even noticed I’d climbed the rail and only my knees hit the top bar. This was it. But my mom crossed my mind. Then me. A coffin. The sleeping boy at the tower. Sora’s eyes. Lying and talking beside him about the secrets that lay in the chasm of my heart. Everything I’d experienced these past couple of days rushed through my mind like a movie reel. “My mom…” I repeated, glancing back over my shoulder at Sora…his eyes… “Have you ever thought about just falling?” I asked. “I have.” 

He closed his eyes and looked down. I felt myself breathe again and looked back to the edge. How easy it would have been to just fall…

 

\--

“So your last night, huh? I can’t believe you’re actually doing it.” 

“Yeah we’re all so proud of you for deciding to go to rehab.” 

“Hey, next round of beers is on me!” 

Pence got up to buy the round of drinks and I turned in my barstool to face Hayner and Olette. They were staring at me expectantly, as if I had some sort of speech to give or something. 

“Yeah…I can’t say I’m not nervous,” I admitted. I was going to rehab after all. The beautiful Islands treatment center in Destiny Islands. The place that was advertised on the television as being some luxury spa. Bullshit. I know in between the “mud baths” and “deep tissue massages” I was going to be on the floor shaking from withdrawal and anxiety. 

“Why don’t we go with you? We can drop you off there, take the car back. Get to experience the Seven Wonders with you.” Olette perked up, but company was the last thing I wanted. The Seven Wonders, all located in different cities along the way to getting to Destiny Islands, was something I wanted to experience on my own. I figured I’d make a road trip out of it, cross a few things off my bucket list before I became an inpatient.

Besides, I knew Olette only volunteered them to go because they were worried about me. They didn’t think I could handle this kind of journey all on my own. And you know what? They were probably right. But I wasn’t going to tell them that. 

I rolled my eyes. “Come on Olette. What’s the big deal? I can handle it on my own.” I took another drink of my beer. I felt a head change, and beer was nice and everything, but I was more anxious for the baggie of pills nestled in my pocket. Those were for later. Drinking wasn’t my vice, which I guess is why Olette and the guys took me to a bar for my last night with them. But they didn’t know I had brought pills with me. Those were what really got me into trouble. They were what I was going to rehab for. 

“You think you’re going to be okay on your own? A paranoid freak like you?” Hayner tapped my shoulder with his knuckles. 

“Of course I’m imaging all the worst case scenarios. Getting lost, getting robbed, ODing in one of those shitty motel bathrooms.” 

“Roxas!” Olette covered her face with her hands and shook her head. 

“But listen, hold on, that stuff scares the shit out of me. So why am I going again?” I asked with a laugh. Beside me, Hayner laughed and Pence walked back, handing us all our beers. Of course, he’d gotten me a beer with the least percent alcohol you could get. What a pal. He knew I hated the taste.

“So there was this guy at the bar right now—“ Pence said as he sat down. I zoned out a bit, looking around the bar that was strangely crowded for a Wednesday night. The four of us were all regulars here, but I didn’t recognize many of the faces in the bar.

Two guys caught my attention over by the pool table. One of them had this bright red hair sticking up in all sorts of ways. How long had that taken him to do? Beside him there was a guy with dyed black hair, spiky, but not as intricate as the redheads. I kept scanning. I saw a girl sitting alone at a table, nothing really noticeable about her except that she was sketching in a notepad. 

I was about to turn back to the conversation until a strange movement caught my eye. A fast, blurring movement of someone walking through the crowd. In comparison to their pace, it looked like the people around him had slowed down. I don’t know if it was the lighting in the bar but this person, a guy, had the most luminescent, glowing eyes I had ever seen…right above a strange smile. Pointed at me, watching me, passing through the crowd that I caught glimpses of behind and between stranger’s shoulders. He disappeared behind a crowd of people and when I searched for him I couldn’t find him. He was gone. 

“You okay?” Hayner asked as he poked me in the shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I said. “What were we talking about?” 

“Well I was wondering,” Olette began. “What’s your parents think about you leaving?” 

“What do you think?” I asked with a roll of my eyes. I really didn’t want to be talking about my parents, especially not my mom. “Mom’s threatening me with her same old bullshit, and my dad could care less. He’s too involved in her issues.” I sounded way more vicious than I really needed to. “I’m going to the bathroom.” I said, desperate for a distraction. I pushed my way through the crowds, my eyes unconsciously searching for the person I’d seen earlier. 

Damn, why was it so packed here tonight? 

I bumped into someone and mumbled an apology. When I glanced up at him I saw just the faint glimpse of a cloth wrapped around their eyes. Strange, but I continued pushing my way past the people coming back from the bar. I pushed into the bathroom, heart racing, and hurried into an open stall. The baggies in my pocket felt like lead. I took them out, hands shaking with anticipation, and popped the colorful pills into my mouth before walking to the sink to get a handful of water. 

The benefit of the pills was that they kicked in at breakneck speed. It was maybe five minutes before the guys walking in and out of the bathroom began to blur and that rush overcame me that was so familiar and good it felt like nostalgia. First it was a rush of calm that ran over me, stilling my rapid fire heart like a licking wild fire. Relaxed but not tired, not heavy or foggy-brained. My mind raced in the best way possible. My heart didn’t. 

I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of my own breathing and the stillness that had fallen over the restroom as I realized I was the only one in here. I opened my eyes and stared at myself in the dirty bathroom mirror. The lights around me began to flicker. Usually that’d have sent my heart into a frenzy, but I was calm and rational. The bar was pretty old. All I did was grip the sink, stare at myself, and think about my mom and my friends and the fact that here I was doing drugs, high again, when tomorrow was the day I headed off to rehab.

My stomach turned. I was worthless, wasn’t I? 

The lights flickered again until finally they turned off. By this time I was starting to get a bit nervous. It seemed there was an uncomfortable stillness around me. I looked over at the door. I didn’t even hear the music outside anymore. At this point I was ready to leave. I gave myself one last look in the mirror and noticed two red lights behind me, taller than me, like eyes. 

The lights came back on and behind me was a tall figure, shadowed completely in a cloak of flickering shadow and flame with red eyes, a pig snout. Behind it, two long leathery wings. Smiling…teeth like fangs. I began to scream when the lights flickered in and out again like a blink and when the light came on again the creature was gone. I whipped around, heart pounding, knees buckling as I fell back against the sink. My body thrummed like there was a violent stick beating against the entire drum of my body. 

I had to get out of here. 

I ran, pushed open the door with a ferocity and the mass of moving people began to come back into focus. Someone grabbed my arm and I moved to hit them, flashes of shadow monsters in my head, until I noticed it was only Hayner. 

“Whoa,” he said, moving out of the way of my hand. “There you are.” Terrified, I looked up. His voice seemed strange, lower maybe. “Dude, your pupils. You on something, aren’t you?” Damn, he sounded disappointed. 

My cheeks flamed. “Just three.” I usually took a lot more. 

“We’re ready to leave.” 

“That’s fine.” He began to lead me through the crowd back to Olette and Pence. “Go home with me?” I asked. He nodded. 

We waited at the bar for Olette and Pence to pay their tabs and I looked around the bar. It had become way more crowded since I went to the bathroom. How long had I been gone for? And I felt an intense energy come over me because everyone was just…watching me. Dancing, talking, watching. At least that’s how it felt. But I’d look away because I couldn’t stand the feeling of being watched, and would look back again curiously, and no one would be paying me any attention anymore. My hands grew clammy as they reached around to hold on to Hayner’s hand. I didn’t notice the way he was looking at me, I was too busy staring at the crowd. 

I narrowed in on two guys kissing. I felt a flush and even if I wanted to look away I couldn’t. There was something about it that kept me focused. Until I felt Hayne whisper into my ear that sent a cold chill down my spine and he tugged on my hand. They were ready to go. I followed behind but looked over my shoulder to see the guys one more time, but they were gone. 

\--

Bitter. I felt it like a bad taste in my mouth. The fact of the matter was that I could sneak Hayner into my house, but I didn’t even have to. No one would care in my house. Not my parents because one parent was working and the other was inebriated. 

The first thing I saw when I walked into my house was my mom passed out on the floor. My heart tightened as if two hands rung it out. I’d seen my mom like this, plenty of times, but even that wasn’t enough to make me completely numb to it. I was the opposite of numb. I had feeling. It was hatred injected directly into my vein.

My mom was an addict, just like me. We even used together, often. Except she did the bigger, meaner stuff than I did. And she’d been an addict way longer than I had been. 

“She okay?” Hayner’s voice trembled. 

“I see her like this all the time. She’s just high and passed out, that’s it.” I said it as if I didn’t care, but that didn’t stop me from walking over, kneeling beside her, and checking. Her chest was moving up and down, steadily. I grimaced when I smelled something sour. Probably vomit. 

I almost felt like crying. I grabbed Hayner and dragged him by the arm into my room, shutting the door with a force that I hadn’t meant to. 

“Roxas.” Hayner knew my family life. He knew about the drugs that’d taken hold of us as if we were already corpses for the taking. “You should go take care of your mom.” 

“No! I’m sick of taking care of her. She’s not going to be my problem after tonight anyway.” My hands clenched into fists. I wanted to break something. Tomorrow was the start of my journey. I wanted to get better. I wanted recovery. I wanted to be better than her. I looked up at Hayner, at his concerned face, and I softened. “I just want to forget.” I closed the distance and kissed him, shivering, feeling a heat envelop me like the peak of a good high. 

Hayner probably wasn’t sure what to do because he hesitated but I kissed him harder, ran my hand up his bare chest. He didn’t hesitate anymore. 

I was back against the bed, eyes closed, weird shapes pulsed in front of the black screen of my eyelids. I tried to focus on that, on him, besides the thought of my mom out there. She wasn’t smiling, or alert, or conscious, or all the things I wished to see from her. 

I gasped softly when Hayner bit my neck. Every place he kissed felt like the cherry of a cigarette hot against my skin, but it was good, a feeling I didn’t want to flinch away from. His fingers were soft, like smoke ghosting against my cheek. 

Everything felt better because of the drugs. Usually Hayner’s mouth didn’t leave me trembling like it was now, but maybe that was just the anger buried deep under my skin. I swear I heard my mom choke out in the living room, but I tried to ignore it. Hayner breathed against my ear and I shivered. This would be the last time I saw him, my friends, and my parents for months. 

Wouldn’t it just be easier to stay here? 

“This is the last time, right?” 

He pulled away, looked at me with his brows drawn together. I didn’t really know what he meant, and I watched him fumble with his wristband. 

“Spit it out,” I said with a small laugh. “What do you mean?” 

“This is the last time you use, right?” He asked with a frown. By this time, I heard the sound of my mom coughing—more like hacking—outside and my heart fell. Things were so much easier when she was asleep. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with her, at least. I turned back to Hayner though. 

“I’m going off to rehab tomorrow…of course this is the last time.” I didn’t tell him how I had already made a call to Seifer to pick up my last stash of drugs to take with me on the trip. I planned to take them up until the day before I arrived at Destiny Islands. 

“…I hope so…go take care of your mom…” he said as he looked back over at the door when I heard her choking again. 

“I just wish it could be the last time for her…” I said as I touched Hayner’s cheek then stood up. Before I reached the door I stopped, my feet heavy, a question on the tip of my tongue. “Hey, Hayner…"  
He looked at me. “Do you think my mom will still love me if I come back sober?” 

His eyes widened. I could tell he didn’t have a clue of what to say. He began fidgeting again with his wrist band and I frowned, looked away. I already knew the answer. 

“She won’t.” I said, almost too quiet for him to hear and headed out down the long hallway, listened as my mom coughed, awake. I saw her, trying to stand up but having a hard time, eyes barely open, falling over like she was drunk. But she didn’t drink. Just used. 

“Mom…” I said as I put my arm around her to steady. As soon as she saw me her eyes opened and she smiled. 

“Roxas…” she said and a sour smell fell over my nose. I turned away. It was better that I did anyway. Looking at her made me want to break down and stay to make sure she didn’t kill herself. But I guess my dad could do that. “Uh…what time is it?” 

I walked her to her room and set her down, brought her water. The whole time my heart hammered with anger. She lay in the most uncomfortable looking positive. Her neck twisted because she was barely conscious enough to keep it up. I wasn’t worried because she had knocked out like this a million times before. 

“Who will take care of me…when you leave?” She asked as I was starting to walk out of the door. “Stay, Roxas, please?” 

I felt sick to my stomach, my eyes burned, and as I walked out of there I knew without a doubt that tomorrow was the beginning of what had to be my sobriety. It had to be, or I would end up a time bomb just like her.


	2. he who is frozen in fear part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas gets a black eye, says a bitter goodbye to his mom and has a run in with a strange, erratic boy on the highway.

Author's Note: Sorry for the short chapter and the lengthy update wait. I was under a lot of stress this past week. But next chapter is already written, just needs to be reworked, and that's when the real fun starts.  **Important: Sora's eyes are said to be yellow in this chapter. They were blue last chapter. This is not a mistake. The real reason will be made clear later in the story. Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

 Chapter One: Mysterious Tower  
he whose frozen in fear  
Part One

* * *

 

 

            I continued driving down Highway 13, eyes blinking rapidly to stave off exhaustion. I hadn’t been able to sleep in a hotel since I left. I’d been sleeping, crooked and uncomfortably upright in my car, hidden behind small buildings, praying the cops wouldn’t come tapping on my window to tell me to leave.

 

            Almost instinctively I touched my pocket and felt the small bumps of the pills that nestled safely in a baggie there. Were they worth all of the trouble they brought? Ever since I left on this road trip, no, wait, even _before_ I left, I was having major doubts about my competence.

 

            I sighed, thinking back to the day I left, what I’d had to do to get these drugs. I had gone to pick up some drugs right before leaving, so I could have one last binge before I got clean. Seifer was my usual drug dealer, but instead of just meeting up with him like normal, he’d brought along this huge guy and this short girl. I wasn’t too worried at first, until Seifer threatened me. Told me to give him all the money I had. I panicked.

 

            I’d considered running. But I was just too scared and too desperate for my pills. I handed over to him all the money on my person, and wished I had just kept my money in the bank like it had been before. Minutes passed, they laughed, counted the money. I asked for my drugs. I’d wanted the pills. I demanded them. He dangled them in front of me like I was a baited animal, a hungry animal. I’d reach for them and he’d take them away, laughing.

 

            Angry, desperate, I punched him in the stomach, grabbed the baggie, and ran while I listened to his two goons follow behind me. They caught me, gave me bruises and lumps and a black eye, and left me. I remembered crawling into my truck, feeling achy, rubbing my thumb over the plastic covered pills with a sigh.

 

            After that, I needed another way to get money. I knew I couldn’t have gone to Hayner or the gang. The look of me would have worried them enough to contact my dad to make me stay, or worse, accompanied me. I wasn’t going to let them ruin their lives just to help me fix mine. So I went back to my house where I figured my mom would be asleep and I could swipe some 20s from her purse.

 

            She wasn’t asleep.

 

            I clutched the steering wheel, my eyes misting over. I felt sick just thinking about the last time I saw my mom.

 

            She hadn’t noticed my black eye. She never notice anything about me except what I could do for her. If I could buy her cigarettes, if I could buy her drugs.

 

            I had managed to avoid saying goodbye to her. I hadn’t wanted to. But now I had no choice when she looked at me, surprisingly not awake, and though her eyes, to me, always seemed so dead, they lit up. Just a bit, just a fraction. I swallowed and gave her a small smile, but my eyes searched around for her purse.

 

            “I don’t feel good today, Roxas,” she said, looking away again and once again it looked like something inside her turned off, died somehow. She wasn’t the same person when she was sober, when she was sober, when she looked at me, when she looked away. “My back…I can barely move. Come over here.”

 

            I hesitated at the doorway but slowly walked over to her sitting on the couch. She patted it, I sat down.

 

            “Can I have a hug? They always make me feel a little better.”

 

            I nodded and leaned forward, resting my chin on her bony shoulder. I inhaled the scent of stale cigarettes and alcohol. The scent was as much a part of her now a days as the drugs were. It attatched itself to me like a second skin, but for once I didn’t want to let go of her. It wasn’t often that we hugged and it was less often I actually wanted to, but I closed my eyes and relaxed in her arms because I knew this would be the last time. I was finally moving on.  

 

            “I missed our hugs.” She said softly. I nodded, too lost in old memories of my mom when we used to be close. This was all before she was labeled with Depression and Anxiety and before she was introduced to medications that attached themselves to her heart and brain like leeches. I shuddered and pulled away from her. “What happened?”

 

            “Nothing. Seifer pulled some stupid trick,” I said as I shrugged off her hand that was reaching towards me.

 

            “Little bastard. So you picked up yesterday then,” she said, distracted as she reached for a cigarette and lit it. I watched the smoke waft from her mouth. Watching her smoke was the only time I didn’t immediately crave a cigarette after.

 

            “Yeah. Last time. Probably why he pulled that shit.” 

 

            “What do you mean?”

 

            I stared at her and the seconds passed away awkwardly.  “I’m leaving…to rehab. Today.” I shook my head and tore myself away from the couch, from _her_. “I told you this how many times?” My voice rose; I couldn’t help it.

 

             She made a noise that I could tell came from a place of disbelief. “I didn’t think you were actually going.” She looked away and took another long drag and I listened to her shuddering exhale. “Are you serious Roxas? You don’t need rehab.”

 

            A flash that chilled me to my spine crossed my memory. I pictured myself as I’d been last year, in a drug-induced haze, nearly catatonic. And then things went black and I woke up in a hospital room, hooked up to machines with my Dad on the phone next to me, pacing back and forth. He told me afterwards he had found me and Mom. We’d been taking pills together and she had passed out, but I guess I had taken too many. I’d overdosed, my Dad said, and he was lucky he found me when he did.

 

            And that wasn’t the first time I’d been put in danger due to my Mom’s carelessness. But I guess being twenty two, I couldn’t have blamed my mom entirely for that night. It was my own choice to take drugs, which was why I was going to get help without her.

 

            “I almost died last year. I think I do need rehab,” I muttered.

 

            She waved her hand, as if I was being dramatic or something, but I could see the panic in her eyes. She stared in front of her. “Roxas, please, what am I going to do without you here?” She turned to me with this look in her eyes that, to me, felt like a deceit. She didn’t care, I had convinced myself, and to see such hurt in her eyes, it almost made me nauseous.

 

            “Now all of a sudden you want me to stay?” I said it underneath my breath but she heard anyways.

 

            “What?”

 

            Louder. “Now all of a sudden you want me to stay? I’ve been telling you this for weeks!”

 

            “Don’t yell at me, Roxas,” she said, her eyes starting to quiver. I scoffed and my eyes went back and forth until they landed on her purse.

 

            “I need some money. Seifer stole mine.”      

 

            “I need that for cigarettes Roxas, don’t you dare take that money.” I wanted to, but I just couldn’t. I turned to walk towards the door. “You’ll be back you know.” She laughed. “You really think you can get clean from some fucking rehab center? Believe me, I’ve tried.”

 

            “Well now it’s my turn to try,” I said with a glare sent over my shoulder. She didn’t say anything back, just looked at me with an expression that clearly meant she didn’t know what to say. I’ve seen it on her face so many times before, like when I would ask her when I was younger why she was always so sleepy, or why she didn’t act like my friend’s moms.

 

            “You’ll be back to your same old shit in no time,” she said. Enraged, I opened the door and right before I could cross the threshold she called my name, panicked, broken.

 

            “Roxas…” I looked at her. “I love you….don’t leave me.”

 

            There was something in the corner of my eye that shook me from my memories, something headed for the road, right in front of my car. My brain barely had time to register that it was a boy before I swerved out of the way, turning hard.

 

            My car spun dangerously out of control for a second before coming to a terrifying stop. Thankfully there was no one else on this highway for miles. Highway 13 was the long stretch of road that led far away from Twilight Town into the first wonder but that took days to reach anyway.

 

            I looked over my shoulder, still clutching the wheel, to look at the idiot who had ran in front of my car.

 

            I got out, heart racing as I walked over to him and saw him hunched forward, hands on his knees, panting.

 

            “What the fuck are you doing?! You almost killed us both!” I yelled, grabbing hold of the front of his shirt in my fist and holding him towards me like I was going to deck him.

 

            “Hey! Hey! I’m sorry,” he said, holding his hands up in defense, his eyes flickering wildly back and forth, turning his head from left to right. There was something that was scaring him, but it clearly wasn’t me.

 

            “Give me a good reason not to kick your ass,” I said through grit teeth.

 

            “I was being chased. I had nowhere else to go. I was trying to get your attention but I guess that was the wrong way to go about it.” He smiled nervously and looked down. “Could you put me down please?”

 

            I grunted and let him go, and blushed out of shame for being so aggressive with someone I hardly knew. But he almost killed me, I tried to reason. “Chased by what?” I asked.

 

            “He’s a guy. Bout this tall,” he said as he gestured about a head taller than him, “and he has crazy black hair and blue eyes. Looks like me.” I took in his appearance. He had brown hair, spiky and untamed, a beach tan, and these weird-colored eyes. Gleaming like gold jewelry. They didn’t fit him, not at all.

 

            “No. I haven’t seen anyone in miles.”

 

            “Can you give me a ride please?” He saw my face. “Please? I need to get away from this guy.”

 

            Immediately, my friend’s paranoid scenarios that they used to try and scare me out of going alone were brought up from the recesses of my memory. And I had a funny feeling about it too.

 

            “How do I know this isn’t just scam to steal from me? And whose this guy chasing you anyway?”

 

            “Ehh…an old frenemy…you could say,” he said as he rubbed the back of his head nervously. “Come one, please, I won’t rob you.” He smiled what appeared to be a wide genuine smile, but I had my doubts. “I’ll give you cash.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out some 20s. Gas money, hotel money, anything you need I’ll help. Just where are you headed?”

 

            “Mysterious Tower,” I said slowly. He seemed to think about something for a minute. I could tell the way he rubbed his chin and looked upwards towards the sky.

 

            “What about after that?”       

 

            “I’m going through the states. Hitting the seven wonders until I get to Destiny Islands.”

 

            “Destiny Islands?” His eyes lit up like a flashlight was aimed at them. “My family is from there. I’ve been trying to find a way there for months but I never had the money. Please, let me go with you?”

 

            “I’m kind of on a solo trip, if you don’t mind. By the way,” I said, looking around the wide grasslands on each side of the strip of asphalt highway. “What are you even doing out here on your own.”

 

            “There’s not a lot of time to explain. Please, please let me at least ride with you to Mysterious Tower. I need to get away from this area.”

 

            I raised my brow and my mouth hung open, speechless. I had nothing to say but the way he looked at me, he looked so desperate. I thought about being in his situation and how I’d love it if someone would stop for me and help me out. Plus, I looked back at the money. “I really, really needed the money.”

 

            “Okay, fine,” I said as I gestured towards my car. He wasted no time getting in and I followed shortly, staring the engine and looked around for any black haired men wandering around.

 

            “Go, go!” He said and I glared at him before straightening the car out and driving away.

 

 

 

             

 


	3. He Whose Frozen in Fear Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sora and Roxas get to know each other now that they're forcibly traveling together. At the first Wonder, The Mysterious Tower, Roxas learns a little more about himself and what it means to set off on your own and never look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Chapters should be coming out sooner now that its Camp Nano this month and I finally am passed the beginning of the story. I pretty much know what I want to happen during the rest of the story. Please comment if you'd like and also, I'm looking for a serious beta reader. if anyone is interested please leave a comment! I'd really appreciate it.

“So what are you doing driving to Mysterious Tower? Just want to check it out?” Sora asked as he turned away from the window and looked at me. I didn’t want to look at him because then that meant I’d have to face the reality of my decisions. I know had a travel partner who I barely knew riding alongside me after he decided to jump in front of my car. Great, Roxas. This whole road trip was supposed to be doing things on my own. He nudged my shoulder to get an answer out of me.

 

            “Shouldn’t I be the one asking the questions?” I snapped. “You just get in my car and…you were running away from…remind me why I let you ride with me again?”

 

            He laughed. “I needed to get away from him,” he said as he glanced up at the rear view mirror.

 

            “He’s not chasing us. There hasn’t been anyone behind us since we started out this way. Is he on foot? Did you just abandon someone somewhere?” I was starting to worry that I had just been dragged into something dangerous or stupid or that was likely to get me into a lot of trouble. Oh geez, all I hoped was that I hadn’t been dragged into some sort of illegal activity.

 

            “He drives a motorcycle.”

 

            “Well then he’s clearly not chasing us. Don’t you think he would have been right on our ass by now?”

 

            “Yeah. I’m okay for now. You don’t understand how much better I feel without him following me.” Sora stretched his arms out. “I feel so much happier.”

 

            “And why is that?” I asked with a raised brow. “Bad blood between you?”

 

            Sora nodded.

 

            “I don’t understand though,” I said as I looked over at him, briefly, caught sight of his gold-flecked eyes staring at me from the side mirror. I shuddered. “Why would you run out into the middle of the road just to get away from this guy? You were running. You looked terrified.”

 

            “He’s a little scary when he drinks,” Sora admitted.

 

            I suddenly felt a sickening drop in my stomach. What he said made me feel really guilty for some reason. I tried to shake it off. “Is he your friend…your…boyfriend…or…” I asked with a flush as I side-glanced at him.

 

            “He’s…” he paused, chewed on his lip. “He’s kind of like a brother…” he said something under his breath that I couldn’t really hear. “Anyways, thanks for letting me ride with you. I’ve always heard of Mysterious Tower being a really trippy place. Like you just took drugs or something,” he laughed.

 

            “I’m sure that’s an exaggeration”

* * *

 

 

         “This must be what acid is like,” Sora said.

 

            “Yeah, you weren’t kidding,” I said, struck by the sight before us. We stood on the edge of a cliff. Beyond it I saw a bubbling sea of oranges and yellow, touching the horizon, almost like a lava bed. More closely, it resembled curled and soft clouds, cupping the island we stood on top of. The sky was a hazy purple and blue, the clouds of the sky merging with the clouds beneath us, meshing together like mixed watercolors.

 

            Behind us was what this place was known for: The Mysterious Tower. Feet and feet and feet above us. A triangle-roof that pierced through the hazy clouds above us. Stars seemed to gravitate towards it, closer and larger than the small twinkles in the sky behind it.

 

            I noticed that there was a strange heat in the air, even though we were here at dark. Dark. Now that I thought about it… “How did it get so dark all of a sudden anyway? Wasn’t it pretty light out when we were driving over here.”

 

            Sora pursed his lips. “You’re right. It was when we were crossing over that really narrow bridge. Everything just got…darker...”

 

            “Hotter too.” I said as I ran my palm across my forehead.  “Alright so, one of the seven wonders. Check.” I said. Yeah, this place was cool looking and everything but I was still underwhelmed. I didn’t feel different or really much of anything.

 

            “What? We’re not leaving already, are we?”

 

            “We saw it. What else is there to do?” I shrugged. Looking out into the vast nothingness was only interesting for so long. What I really wanted was some pills and some smokes and I didn’t feel all too comfortable smoking at the wonder.

 

            “We could sit and talk. You know, get to know each other.” I know my face read judgement. It was one of the only ways I knew how to think. Being alone, on my own…it was the only way I knew how to be. I didn’t want to get to know him and surely he had seen it all over my face as if it were etched into my skin or peering back at him from my eyes. “I just thought since we are going to be traveling together—“

 

            “It’s not really like that though.”

 

            “That we could talk.” He didn’t miss a beat. “Maybe become friends?”

 

            Something inside me immediately turned away. I felt cornered. He watched me like a kid hoping he’d get that thing he wanted for Christmas from his parents. “I…” I didn’t know why it was so difficult to tell him no. “I don’t even know how to be someone’s friend.” His face fell. “Look, I haven’t been friends with someone new since…okay, so my four best friends, I’ve known them since middle school, so I don’t need to try with them. I don’t have to act different or try to impress them. I can just be myself. I can’t do that with you.”

 

            He laughed. “Just pretend like you’ve known me since middle school.”

 

            “It’s not that easy, right? I don’t know I just…” I didn’t really have anything else to say. My excuse was really that I didn’t want to get to know anyone in case they found out my secrets. When Sora saw me indulging in bad habits, I didn’t want to care if he judged me. “You don’t want to be friends with me. I’m not a very good person.”

 

            He smiled and sat down on the edge of the cliff, legs dangling. He looked back over his shoulder and gestured for me to sit next to him. This was his way of trying to trick me to be friends with him, wasn’t it? He continued to watch me. I rolled my eyes and gave in. The air over the cliff was even hotter, like it was radiating from the clouds and mist at the bottom. 

 

            “You have to be good person. You stopped for me.”

               

            “You ran out in the middle of the road! What was I supposed to do?”

 

            “Okay…well…” I looked over at him as he stroked his chin playfully. “You’re on a road trip to see the wonders. Not just any normal person wants to do that. You must have something good in you,” he poked me in the chest above my heart. “Something that wonders?”

 

            “My heart’s just trying to stay alive,” I said. I feigned a laugh but that wasn’t a joke. I knew I’d die if I didn’t stop doing drugs. Even smoking cigarettes gave me an uncomfortable weight in my chest now.

 

            “Does seeing this…” he gestured outwards towards the fog and mist and the warmth that radiated all around us. I felt the heat on my cheeks as I watched him. “Does this make you feel alive?”

 

            I looked out again, really looked. Took everything in my eyes with a feeling of mindfulness and thereness that I hadn’t felt in…who knows how long. But there was nothing there for me. This place…it still made feel empty. Why hadn’t it filled anything in me? Wasn’t it supposed to?

 

            I shook my head. “I wished it did. But no.”

            “Go explore the tower,” he said as he turned and pointed towards it. “Maybe you’ll find the ‘something you’re looking for’ in there.”

 

            “Are we even allowed to go in there?”

 

            Sora shrugged. “This place is called Mysterious Tower. And look, that tower is really mysterious.” He wiggled his fingers like he was telling a scary story. “I think it’s safe to say that’s the main attraction. You go, I’ll wait here.”

 

            “Alright,” I said before I stood up and began to make my way towards the tower that had looked so much smaller than it really was. Standing at the base of it, I had to crane my neck back entirely to even get a glimpse of it. I’ve seen red wood trees before back home. They were huge and thick like the legs of giants. It’s what I remembered thinking back when I was little as I stared at them in a state of awe. The tower was taller than the clouds and around it the bright blinking in and out of stars.

 

            I looked over my shoulder to see if Sora was still there, but he’d left or something. Good riddance, right? I didn’t mean it and I wondered why. Getting rid of him would mean one less annoyance on the road, but it also meant less money. I fantasized about stealing his money and leaving him on the side of the road but only as a joke. I wouldn’t really have done that. Maybe at my lowest point years ago when it felt like I would have killed for drugs. But I wasn’t like that anymore, I was better, right?

 

            I stepped through the double doors and immediately felt a chill, enough that I wrapped my arms around myself to keep warm. The sheen of sweat evaporated into a cold bite across my face. I shut the door behind me and looked around. There wasn’t really anything here except a large carpeted, winding staircase. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started climbing until my legs ached.

 

            I hoped there was something here. ‘That something you’re looking for’ Sora had said. And that was exactly it. I wanted this place to make me feel something. A personal connection, a sad longing to touch this place with my heart. To return to it one day and continue to add fragments and pieces. I wanted there to be a place out there where I could melt, die, and still be peaceful. I figured that a place I loved could show me who I really was inside, because I had no clue anymore. The real me, the younger me, had rotted away, disappearing with every puff of smoke that came from my lips.

 

            The cold air needled at my skin. I stopped when I saw a tall door at the very top. I didn’t want to open it, but a look down at the stairs and I realized I had climbed so far, there would be no point in not finding out what was on the other side. So I opened it.

 

            The room inside was freezing cold. A quick glance around the room and I saw white, with this faint glowing pattern across the walls. The floor was checkered, black and white, but when my eyes landed on what was in the center of this room, I felt a chill, a panic.

 

            A boy lay there on a table of white, blue-trimmed marble. His arms wrapped around himself, his legs stretched straight out before him. His eyes closed, a pink tinge to his smiling face, and he wore black and white clothing, disoriented in its pattern. My heart skipped in panic. I stared, long and hard, disbelief. He looked exactly like me.

 

            I had to take a second look, then a third. Then I thought about getting closer, then I shuddered at the idea of it. But my legs moved forward until I clutched the hard edge of the table, caging the sleeping boy with my hunched shoulders.

 

            He had the same hair, the same skin, the same identical fucking birthmark on the shell of his ear. I knew because I checked. When I poked him, he felt like a corpse. Was he dead?

 

            I started to panic. “Oh fuck. What do I do?” What the hell was going on? “Fuck, fuck. What do I do?” I said out loud to the sleeping me.

           

            “O-Okay,” I said as I touched him. First on the cheek, I felt sick as my fingers brushed against the skin cold as the marble table beneath him. Holding my breath, I slapped him gently. “Wake up,” I urged, my voice coming out shuddered. Desperation made me grab his shoulders and shake him like a doll.  “Come on, rise and shine.”

 

            Nothing. Not a twitch or a breath. The table beneath him began to take on a sinister shape in my head. I could see it so clearly. A coffin. Him…me…lying in that coffin sleeping the sweet sleep. Dead, most likely nose diving into a fiery ocean. Do drug addicts go to heaven, I wondered. What if it was an accidental overdose, what then? I didn’t want to die.

 

            Suddenly a jerk of motion. I panicked and dropped him, watched as his face screwed up in pain as his head collided with the table. “Ow, geez. I’m up, I’m up,” he laughed. A loud yawn and arms stretched above his head. I jumped back from the zombie immediately, nearly tripping over myself. Movement. Not dead. He wasn’t dead. I was alive?  

 

            “What the fuck…” I breathed.

 

            “How long was I asleep for?” He asked. I shook my head in disbelief. I didn’t know. I didn’t even know he was still alive. “It doesn’t matter. Anyways, I’m Ventus, call me Ven.” He smiled at me.

 

            “What’s going on? Why do you look like me?”

 

            “You’re right, we do look a lot of like don’t we?”

 

            I shivered. Why was it so cold? My nose was burning. I looked down at my throbbing fingers. They were red, bleeding, as if I’d torn them on ice but when I went to wipe them on my clothes, they left no bloody imprint behind.  “What’s going on?” I asked, feeling sick to my stomach. Where was Sora? Why had I decided to come here on my own?

 

            “You woke me up. A part of me wants to go back to sleep,” he said as he got up from the table. “The world can be full of darkness. Don’t you feel it?”

 

            “I’m just cold,” I said, quiet, trembling carefully watching him. I didn’t want him to get too close to me.

 

            “It’s probably me. See?” I blinked and he was suddenly shifting in front of me. A rolling wave of blue and white dust began to cover his entire body, leaving him standing before me with a frost covering him in his entirety. He had turned to ice.

 

            I breathed out a shuddery breath, then shook my head. What was happening? I began to panic. “What are you?” I asked but I knew I didn’t want an answer. I wanted out. I turned and tried to open the door but it wasn’t budging. My whole body felt cold but my cheeks lit up. I began to pound on the door with my fist. “Sora! Sora!” I called, hoping he would hear me.

 

            “Don’t be afraid.”

 

            All around me I could hear the rattle of chains . My head snapped round, looking for them, but I couldn’t see. I could only see the pattern on the walls glowing a brighter white. Now I could see what the pattern really was. Chains.

 

            “What the fuck is this place?”

 

            “I didn’t want to scare you. I just wanted to be honest with you.” He looked down, closed his eyes and there was the slightest wrinkle in his brow before the diamond coat came off of him like dust. His skin was back. Tan and slightly reddened. He ran his hands over his skin, rubbing them as if trying to warm them. I didn’t understand how he was able to do that. To transform.

 

            “…Stop doing that,” I wrapped my arms around myself even if the chill had disappeared. “You want to be honest? Then what the fuck am I looking at? What is this place? And what about you?”

 

            Ven shook his head. “I’ve been trapped here for…a while. It’s hard to remember. I _can’t_ remember.” Every time he breathed, frost came from his open mouth. “I think it’s for my own good. There’s this letter that was left with me. It tells me about why I’m here.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out what looked to be a scroll. He opened it and looked down at it, read a bit of it before his eyes began to harden.

 

            “It says that I wanted to leave my friends and family because I wanted to see the world.” As he began I could see the way he refused to look at me, but instead stared down at his feet. “It says that I hurt my friends in the process. It doesn’t specify, it just says they’re gone.” He glanced back up at the letter, tightened his hand into a fist around it, and then looked at me. I flinched under his gaze. “I’ve had so much time to dream about it. I know that I wouldn’t do something intentional to hurt my friends, but…maybe I belong in this tower. Where I can’t wander anymore, where I can’t hurt people I care about.”

 

            “So this place is…” I glanced around at the chain pattern along the walls again. “So this place is a prison for you?

 

            “I…don’t know. You’re the first person I’ve seen in a long time.” He looked away again. “I-I think. My mind’s fuzzy.”

 

            I wondered about my Mom and my Dad and my friends. Some of them thought I was being reckless and my Mom thought I was being stupid. But even if Hayner, Pence, and Olette had threatened to end our friendship over this decision I’ve made—to take this trip—I would have still went.

 

            “You had to have left for a reason. Don’t you think it mattered? Like, maybe you were looking for something.”

 

            “The sad thing is I can’t remember. I hurt my friends and I can’t remember. Listen, you came here looking for something?” I nodded. “Did you find it?” I opened my mouth but didn’t know what to say. I hung my head.

 

            “No, but I had to leave. Besides, no one would miss me back home.” That this was good for me, for everyone I knew. My mom, my dad, my friends.

 

            “You should go back. Turn around right now before you hurt someone. I wish there had been someone to tell me something. I would have begged them…don’t let me wander. Not if it meant hurting my friends.”

 

            “I can’t go back. You don’t understand how hard it was to get myself to actually do this! It took months, no, years of convincing. Now that I’ve finally done it I can’t turn back. I have real issues. This road trip is supposed to fix me!”

 

            The rattling of chains became louder. My heart began to rise in panic.

 

            “I don’t know…if I’d feel right if I let you. I want to right the wrongs I’ve done to my friends, Aqua. Terra. I’m sorry.” He looked straight at me with a quivering in his eyes and put his hand up, reaching out towards me.

 

            I suddenly felt a huge wave of exhaustion hit my body like a gust of powerful wind. It hit me, knocked me back slowly and steadily against the door. My knees buckled, I slid to a fall on the floor, drowsiness overcoming me. My eyelids grew heavy.

 

            “Stay away from me,” I said, tongue heavy with sleep. Ven walked over towards me. 

 

            “I really wasn’t trying to scare you. Just help you see,” he said with a smile as he bent down in front of me. Right before sleep took me I heard the doors opening, and when Ven looked over he smiled and waved, as if that someone walking in was familiar to him.

 

            “Don’t…I don’t want to be trapped…” I said it, the words sloppy, thick with tiredness until finally my head lulled and I fell asleep.    


           

 

 

 

 


	4. he whose blinded by the dark

The world was alive again . Slowly, cautiously, I opened my eyes when I felt something. A touch. A soft shimmering voice far off in the distance.

“Hey, we’re here.”

The light cut through me like a blade. I squeezed my yes shut and became aware of the warm body against me. Everything was finally starting to feel normal again, even though I felt so groggy.

“What?” I mumbled. My vision focused in and I noticed those familiar gilded eyes staring at me, rounded with concern. “Sora?” I looked around. “Where am I?’

“We just got to a motel. You know, your car is really old. When we were leaving the Tower I could barely get it to start.” He laughed as he squeezed my shoulder.

I sprang up, but was kept in by the seat belt. I undid the buckle and pushed Sora out of the way gently as I got out of the car. When my feet hit the floor they felt numb and shaky like I was walk-ing against rows of needles. As soon as he said Tower, I felt an uncomfortable feeling of dread, but my mind felt foggy, messy. I clutched at my head. When I tried to think it just hurt. “Why can’t I remember anything? What happened?”

“I don’t know. We were at the tower, you left to explore inside,” he said. “You were gone for a while and I started to get worried. When I came inside you were passed out on this table. You were breathing, and you were smiling, so I assumed you had just fallen asleep. We had been driving for a while to get there.”

I had been tired. I remembered I hadn’t slept in days. I tried to remember but my mind was a jumbled mess of fragmented voices and images. It was just like the night after a binge. Had I binged? I clutched my throbbing head and looked at Sora. I’d figure things out later. Right now I just wanted to get to the room. “You’re supposed to jiggle the key in the ignition a few times to get it going.”

* * *

I stood underneath the hot water, steam enveloping me like smoke. I inhaled deeply and pushed the back of my head underneath the water. It fell against the napeof my neck and the heat immediately gave way to the tension I had kept there.

I braced one hand against the shower wall in front of me and closed my eyes. Every time I tried to think back on what had happened I felt a sharp sting of pain rip through my head. My teeth clenched. I knew there had been something that had happened back at the Tower. I did remember something. A face? A voice?

I pulled my head out from under the water and ran my hands down my face. At least now I felt awake. I glanced through the misty mirror towards my jeans. Shit. My heart fell for a second as I sud-denly remembered that I had kept my pills in there. I reached out of the shower in a fluster, dug into the pocket of my jeans, and sighed in relief when I felt the familiar bit of plastic. I turned off the water. I wiped away at the steam covering the mirror and looked at myself. My blond hair clung to my sunken face. I touched my drying lips. Bruises bloomed against my pale skin. I looked wrecked.

I sighed and opened the baggy, taking two bright chalky pills out and swallowing them with a palm of sink water . I sighed in relief. They always cleared my mind. They made me feel normal again.

By the time I got my clothes on, the room started to sway, shift and melt. A weightlessness, a shifting feeling in my head, a flurry of images, and the exaggeration of my beating heart. Most im-portantly, the small hint of euphoria. The euphoria that, after seconds, stretched out into moments that began to turn into a discomfort. A panic. A boy’s face. His body entirely frozen over. My mother. The fight we had before I left.

I looked again into the mirror, and saw Ven’s smiling face staring back at me.

* * *

“Feeling better?” Sora asked from beside me on the bed. I didn’t answer. Instead, I curled into myself from my spot on the bed. Facing towards the wall, I stared, transfixed on the sharp memories of Ven; loud questions of what I was really doing on the road like this. Alone. What made me think I could do this? You can’t. Maybe I should just turn back and go home. You should. I laughed. What made me think I was actually going to go through with Rehab once I got there anyway? I didn’t need rehab. I was fine. So I did drugs once in awhile. So what? I was fine. Ven’s face again. Fragments of memories falling into place like putting a broken water glass back together. Fragile. I shivered.

“I’ve been trapped here for a while.”

“You should go back. Turn around right now before you hurt someone.”

“I wasn’t trying to scare you, just…”

I groaned. I felt like I was thinking faster than I wanted. Thinking, thinking in circles.

“What’s wrong?” I jerked towards Sora when I felt his hand touch my shoulder. His eyes were round and I wondered if that’s how I looked to him right now. Scared, nervous. It had to be the pills.

“I just need a cigarette.” I said as I jumped up from the bed. I grabbed what I needed and headed outside. I slumped against the wall by the open door and lit the cigarette, my hands shaking the entire time. I inhaled deeply. We were in one of those shit motels with the two floors, and we were staying on the second one. The kind of motel where you walk along a balcony passing door by door by door until you find yours, the numbers chipped or hanging by a thread.

Sora followed me outside and I heard the sound of the door shut quietly. I felt his body beside me. He smiled.

“You don’t mind?” I asked, doing my best to blow smoke in the opposite direction.

“No, it’s okay. He always smokes.”

I didn’t have to ask who.

We sat in silence for a while. My hands, my thoughts, still tremored. I kept seeing the face, his face. “Was I alone in there?” You’re always alone. Sora gave me a strange look. “In the tower, I mean.”

“Yeah? Why do you ask? Was there someone else in there with you?”

“I’ve been trapped here for a while.”

I laughed, only because I didn’t want to seem stupid. Crazy. “No, no.” I remember those last moments where I fluttered in and out of consciousness. I believed I was trapped. Did Sora save me from that? “I just…hoped no one saw me sleeping. That would have been embarrassing.” I took an-other deep inhale of my cigarette and stared across the way to the balcony on the other side of the U-shaped motel.

I could hear sounds. Walls banging. People laughing. Cars swerving in and out of the parking lot. Sora’s breathing beside me. A buzzing in my ears. The more we sat in silence, the itchier I felt. I rotated my shoulder, took in quick breaths, anything to stop this welt of panic that bloomed like a bruise on my psyche.

“Talk to me.” I said quickly.

“Wha…”

“I’m feeling weird. Let’s talk.” He didn’t say anything. Irritated, I said, “You wanted to talk at the Tower, so let’s talk?”

“This,” he took the cigarette from my hand and examined it, “does this make you feel alive?” I remembered him asking me that back at the Tower. He reached towards me with his free hand and I flinched, but then his palm pressed against my chest. It hovered over my rapidly beating heart. He was staring at me, the intensity making me wish he wasn’t so close. I reached back for my cigarette and looked down at the floor, shaking. Inhaling.

“What are you doing?”

“You’re acting weird. And I found those pills in your pocket.” I felt my face go red hot.

“Why were you going through my pockets?”

“No, it wasn’t like that. Come on.”

“Did you steal from me?” I asked. I tried to think back to how many pills I had yesterday and then how many were in the bag today but I couldn’t remember. Liar. Thief.

“No. I swear.” He pulled away from me and stared across the balcony.

My heartbeat rose and in my head there was a loop. Liar. Thief. Liar. Thief. Liar. Thief. Para-noid. Paranoid.

“I swear, if I find out you stole pills from me I’ll dump you out on the side of the road and leave you there for him to find you.”

“You’d do that? Over that?”

Yeah. I really would. But as I watched him stare at me like that, I softened. I flicked the stub of my cigarette over the balcony edge and ran my hands through my hair. My head dropped and I could feel the tension releasing from my spine. “I feel alive.” I groaned into my hands. “But only because I feel so anxious right now,” I whispered.

I heard him shuffle next to me. “I didn’t take your stuff. Hey, why are you even doing this road trip?”

I turned my head to look at him from the corner of my eye. “To see the Wonders.”

“Yeah but…don’t be mad but…you seem too bitter for someone who's on a road trip.”

I laughed and sat up. “What does that mean?”

“See, I noticed that you’re really bitter. Which doesn’t seem like a common trait for someone who’s exploring the states like you are. I mean, those kinds of people have wonderment and a sense of adventure. Curiosity .”

“You think I’m bitter?”

“Yeah. And what’s this ‘something’ you’re looking for, anyway?”

A way out. A sign that I’m not a lost cause. A sense of self. I wanted to say those thoughts aloud. I felt like I could when I looked at him.

“You want to know more about me?”

He nodded.

There was a memory taking shape. It was something I’d forgotten about.

“When I was little, I was always exploring. Searching for something, you’re right, I didn’t al-ways used to be so bitter.” When had I become like this anyway? “One day, I hid a treasure and made a treasure map. It took me all day to make this map and by the time I went out to search, it had gotten pretty dark. My dad was out working and my mom was too high or drunk or whatever it was to even notice I was gone.” A pause. Sora shifted a little closer, and I didn’t realize until after I said it. I hadn’t planned on letting him know my problems with my mom, but I guess it was already out there. “We lived by a forest and I got lost. I was terrified, really fucking terrified. I stayed and cried behind a bush for what felt like hours to me. I kept walking though, trying to read my little map in the dark, until it led me to a part of the forest I hadn’t been to.” I took in a shuddering breath.

“You okay?” He touched my hand that was trembling and held it. Somehow, it made me feel better, but then the image kept flashing in my head. “What happened?”

“It was a baby deer. What are they called? Fawn? I don’t know, I just knew it was dead. Torn apart into little pieces even. But its eyes and mouth were open, facing me, staring at me.” I shuddered and he squeezed my hand. “I pictured whatever had gotten to the deer would get to me soon. I would be the one torn to pieces if I didn’t get out of there. So I ran. Around and around. Dizzy, lost. Until fi-nally I saw a flashlight and heard my dad yelling my name. And I was crying. Too emotional to even tell him what happened. I tried to go to sleep but was too upset thinking about the deer. And besides, my dad and mom were fighting about why she hadn’t been watching me. I’d heard it all before though. And afterwards, there was no fucking way I was going into that forest again.”

The silence Sora left me with made my gut twist. Had I said too much? These pills always made me talk way too much. I stared at him, desperate for him to say something, anything.

“Your mom does drugs too? How do you feel about it?”

“Honestly, I fucking hate it.” I reached for another cigarette because there was no way I could talk about this without one. I lit it and the inhale gave me peace. I felt the drugs beginning to fade away. It left a buzzing feeling in my head. “My dad enables it because he says he doesn’t know how to handle it. And I…” I looked down at my palms. “I do drugs with her. So I guess I’m no better.” It was the first time I’d ever said that out loud.

“How does she feel about you leaving?”

“When I told her I was leaving she was so angry. She cried and begged me to stay. I’m her son and all, but I was also her friend. And I was the only one who really took care of her. My dad’s always working so without me…she was always alone all day.” I sniffed. “I don’t know how she’ll do, being alone all day.”

I realized his hand was still holding onto mine. I didn’t let go, and neither did he. I looked at him, searching in his eyes for judgement, anger, anything that would give him a want, an excuse to leave. I didn’t see anything like that.

“You don’t want to leave now, do you?” I asked, almost afraid.

Before he could answer, there was suddenly the loud rev of an engine. A violent sound like sparks colliding with the ground. It didn’t sound like a car, but a –

“Come on!” Sora said, panicked, and he dragged me back into the hotel room, locked the door. He turned off all the lights and closed the blinds and went to kneel against the door, his ear pressed up against it. “Get down, he might see you.” He tugged on my arm and pulled me down beside him and in the darkness I could see him press his fingers to his mouth. I licked my dry lips and sat there, breathing quickened but trying my best not to be loud.

“Is it him?” I mouthed, but he cocked his head to the side. I leaned in to his ear and asked again in a whisper. I pulled away to gauge his reaction and he nodded, slowly. In the darkness, I could hear him swallow, but couldn’t see him. All I could see was the shadows playing shapes across his face. I could hear him breathing. I could see the glow of his eyes and I quickly looked away, trying to look through the hazy dark fabric of the curtains.

A dull thud against the wall and Sora grabbed my arm and both of our heads shot over to look at the right wall. Another dull thud that quickly became a rhythm. Thud, thud, thud, thud. It began to pick up the pace.

A weird noise.

A heat spread across my face and I sputtered out a laugh. I relaxed against the wall. It was just two people having sex. Nothing more. We shared a look and finally, we burst out laughing.

“I’m not the only one who’s paranoid,” I said as I playfully pushed on his shoulder.

He wiped at his eye with his palm, smiled, and let go of my arm he had been clutching. “Guess not. Damn, I didn’t want you to know how screwed up I really am,” he said.

I laughed but if Sora was screwed up I didn’t want to know. I couldn’t be there to help him get through his rough times. I didn’t even know how to help myself.

“Tomorrow Hallow Bastion?” He asked as he held his hand out to me. I grabbed it and held it there. He smiled at me and I smiled back before glancing away.

“Tomorrow Hallow Bastion.”

* * *

My fingers dragged along the spines of the books and I tried not to panic. Sora and I had been separated again. This time it was in the labyrinth of the Hallow Bastion library, the second wonder, and to my relief this wonder wasn’t as terrifying as the Tower had been. Nothing too strange or out of the ordinary aside from the fact that the library was a huge maze and no matter how good a sense of di-rection you have, it didn’t seem to matter here.

“Sora?” I called out again. I waited but there was no response. Sighing, I turned my attention back to the books. I could do some reading until he found me. I knelt down, tilting my head to read the titles. Recovery. Anxiety. Depression. Support. Overdosing. Death. I backed away, my heart racing.

I couldn’t escape these thoughts. These fears. And all I’d wanted was to drive and hope they couldn’t catch up with me. But here they were. In print this time.

A violent sound pulled me out of my thoughts and I whipped around. A man stood there, taller with a tense posture and dark clothes. What caught my attention was the black cloth wrapped around his eyes, a contrast to the light silver of his hair.

“Anywhere you look, you’ll see whatever’s weighing on your mind the most,” he said as he offered a smile.

I swallowed. “That’s what I’ve heard, anyway. I didn’t really think it’d be true.”

“The library shifts.” He smiled. “Sometimes I even get lost in here.” I didn’t doubt it. “My name’s Riku,” he said as he extended his hand to me. I shook it and wondered how it was he was able to see with that blindfold on.

“Roxas.” I looked over at the bookcase as my hands dug into my pockets. There was no way I’d be plucking those from the bookcase anytime soon. “A friend and I traveled all the way down here. It took us two days from where we were.”

“Just for the library huh?” He asked with a grin as he sat down at one of the tables. “Well I hope you won’t be disappointed.”

“You the librarian?” I chuckled.

He laughed. “I guess so. So you must have heard of the other rumor that goes on here, right?” His head lowered slightly

I couldn’t remember, but I tried to think back to that party I’d been to. Someone from Hallow Bastion was visiting their cousin in Twilight Town and went to this library for a school project. I’d over-heard them talking about how crazy the whole experience had been and since then I’d been hooked. But looking around the library, with its monochrome colors. The steel railings designed in intricate de-tail. The black and white checkered floor tiles. The white pillars with detailing like gold thread. I thought of Sora and the way his eyes gleamed at me from the dark back at the hotel room as we lay in bed to-gether and talked until we were too tired to keep our eyes open.

“Books can speak.” Riku said. He ran his fingers through the hair that fell down the side of his face. “Readers come in here all the time. Mesmerized. They say reading transports them to another world. But I say books speak. Especially here.” He tapped on the table with his pointer finger.

“They speak as in…?” I didn’t understand. I wasn’t an avid reader so I never understood what Olette meant when she talked about “post-book depression” or “reader’s high.”

“Choose a book or two that mean something to you.”

Apprehensively, I turned to the bookshelf and scanned the spines. I stared at them for a few minutes, my mind racing with the titles, until finally I chose two, placed them on the table, and sat down beside Riku.

He looked at it and smiled in amusement. “Overdose. And…” he looked at the other. “Recov-ery.”

I swallowed, a blush spreading out along my cheeks. “Yea…” I tried to say something else but just couldn’t.

Riku nodded. Maybe he understood, maybe he didn’t, but I was grateful I didn’t have to ex-plain anything.

“How can you read with a blindfold anyway?” I asked without thinking.

He looked over at me, laughed in amusement, but didn’t respond. Instead, he turned his head back to the books I set in front of him.

“You want to find out what happens to people when they overdose?”

I turned away, uncomfortable.

He flipped to what was seemingly a random page and handed me the book. “Look closely.”

I took it, holding it wide in my hands. There were a few blocks of text but what really caught my attention were the black ink pictures that moved on the page. Actually moved. In this strange and grainy way. I saw flames in a cave dancing on the page. I turned to the next and saw the same flames in front of a bed with a woman lying there, hands folded over her stomach. I looked in closely. She looked familiar. An image of my mom flashed through my head. I shut the book with a powerful thud as if the fire had burned through to my skin and tossed it to the table.

“What the fuck is going on?” I asked, and I hated how my voice shook.

“Well? What did it say? Did you get your answer?”

“I didn’t read it. I don’t want to know.” It hit me. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to think about it because deep down a part of me really did have the awful feeling that the answer wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

He let out a small laugh, and I glared at him.

“What’s funny about this? And what the fuck is up with this book? It moved…the pictures. My mom…it was a picture of my mom!” I grabbed the book and tossed it to the side, watched as papers flew from it.

“You’re seeing things how you believe them. Your subconscious is showing you things, wheth-er or not you want to see them. That’s what this library does.” Besides us, the shelves began to shift and rotate. The books too. Everything moved like a chaotic, shifting machine that had finally short-circuited. Around me, all I could hear was the sound of turning pages and the rushing of shelves mov-ing. “That’s the wonder.”

I looked back at Riku as he stood up and reached back with both hands, reaching into his thick silver hair to untie the cloth around his eyes. When it fell away from his eyes, I jumped out my chair, knocking it over. I covered my mouth to not let out a cry but it was too late, and there was a mangled gasp of shock that escaped me.

He had no eyes. Instead there were rolling smoke of black clouds that exuded from his sock-ets, like a darkness transformed into fog.

“You chose this book for a reason. Stop blinding yourself. You’re distracting yourself from the reality of things.”

I didn’t know what to say. Around me, the shelves continued to spin and the fog wafted from where his eyes should be like cigarette smoke. I stepped away from him as he stepped forward. I tripped over the chair on the ground and fell down beside it. A memory of Ven appeared in my head. His body frozen over. His sleep spell.

“Don’t put me to sleep,” I said, covering my face with one arm.

“You’re already asleep, right? In a drug-induced coma. Tell me,” he leaned down in front of me, and all I could do was stare into the darkness that coiled around my face, came towards me like a ghost’s hand brushing against my cheek. I shuddered. The darkness was cold but Riku’s body radiated warmth. “What are you here for? At this library?” He asked.

I narrowed my eyes, turning my head away, desperately searching. For what? For who? “So-ra?” I called out, hoping he’d save me from whatever this was. Hell, I hoped he could see it too. I flinched when I felt that cool reach of darkness touch me. It curbed against my chin to guide my face back to look at Riku. I swear for a second I saw a flash of piercing light blue eyes, sharp and framed with kohl lashes. But it had to have been my imagination. Maybe this entire thing was.

“I don’t mean to scare you.” Ven had told me the same thing. “I want you to say your truth. To see things for what they are. Tell me, why are you here?”

I narrowed my eyes, determination resting in the stern line of my mouth. “I want to find something.”

The darkness grew colder, darker even. It wanted more, craved more. Strands of Riku’s hair tickled my cheek. “Find what?”

Shame warmed my face. “I want to find a reason,” An excuse, “to say that I’m okay. And if I die…I want to know where I’ll go.” I looked away, felt the sharp sting of tears prick my eyes.

“Roxas?” I felt two hands on my shoulders and suddenly I opened my eyes again and looked forward. RIku was gone. And then looked behind me. Sora was there, hands underneath my arms to help lift me up. “What happened? You fall or something?”

I didn’t say anything, just stared at him, wondered how he had gotten here without me notic-ing, and wondered if I had fallen asleep again. What in the world was going on? First Ven, now Riku. These two strangers I met that had given me nothing but more questions to ask myself; more confu-sion.

“Did you see him? The man in black?”

Sora raised his brow worriedly, his head tilted to the side. “Man in black? You okay, Roxas?”

Maybe not. I had no idea anymore. But what was starting to become clear to me was that maybe, Riku and Ven, maybe they were the wonders.


	5. he who is terrified of teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxas and Sora navigate through the badlands only for Roxas to stumble upon a boy who looks frighteningly like Sora.

I leaned against the redwood for a second to catch my breath and when I pulled away, I felt something sticky against my palm. I looked at the dark, wet liquid that seeped into the lifeline creases of my palm like canals of a broken city. Nausea gripped my stomach when I realized that was where the underlying scent of copper was coming from. 

“Sora!” A pause. Sora had never been there when I needed him. Not at the Tower. “Dad!” He’d found me once, maybe there was a chance he’d find me again. I called his name again and then there was a rustling behind me. My head whipped around to see the trees shaking with laughter. The sky opened up its giant maw to cackle at my expense. Rain became to fall down on me like splashes of drool. I covered my head with my arms and kept going. 

Why had I come out here to the woods again? There was no treasure. There was no map. And my mom was at home with her head lolled so far to the side it was a surprise she could even breathe like that. 

My eyes were wet. I shut them before anything could escape. I would not cry for her. That was what I had always told myself. I would not cry for her. No one had cried for me when I’d nearly died. No one would cry if I did. I looked around at the woods in all its green-turned-brown trees and shrubs. No one would look for me. 

This world was wilting and completely still, and it terrified me. No more laughter shaking the trees. The rain fell around me and hit the floor in silence. I stepped forward and heard not even the crunch of the dead leaves scattered on the ground. 

“Sora!” I screamed again, my throat dry and raw. 

I wandered until I was shaking. And then I wandered some more. Soon I was curled up against a rotting, petrified tree with no leaves to cover me from the rain that silently pelted me. I heard a noise though. The only noise that could pierce through the awful silence. 

I stood up and turned in its direction but I couldn’t figure out what it was. All I knew was that it sounded familiar. It sounded wet and sloppy. The sounds of things breaking. Like branches. Or bones. I followed until it became louder and more distinguished. Flesh. Whimpering. Eating. I’d heard this sound before. I remembered now. 

When I came upon it behind a group of green shrubs I burst through. The sun poured in like a spotlight through a break in the leafy canopy above. I could hear my shallow breathing echoing. The eating. Chewing. 

A boy on his knees, head down and bent towards his cupped hands. His mouth was covered in red and black liquid and bits and pieces. It wasn’t a deer he was eating but another person. Black and white clothes with red all over. Limbs twisted in sharp, strange angles. Body pried open to reveal the innards that spilled out around him like confetti. 

I felt woozy and leaned against a tree for support but even with the gore of it all I stared at the body on the floor to see who it was. I saw an outstretched mouth, wide open blue eyes. Black or brown—I couldn’t tell—matted with red. It was me. Or was it Ven. The boy devouring the corpse watched me as its teeth sank in. 

I couldn’t recognize him with all the blood on his face but I saw blue eyes—not gold, why?—brown hair, tan skin. Sora. He started laughing, snickering that turned into a loud laughter as his head titled back, blood dribbling down his chin. 

I felt something warm trickle down my nose. When I brought my hand away it was covered in blood. I looked at the corpse on the floor and then I felt a strange sensation. Like someone was shaking me. The world around me began to white out. 

“Hey, Roxas.” My eyes snapped open and I realized I was panting. For a second I didn’t know what was going on—head groggy—but then everything started to fit into place. Sora had shaken me awake. We were in the car driving down the road. “Your nose is bleeding.” And apparently my nose was bleeding. 

I ran my hand underneath my nose. “Shit.” I pulled down the mirror and searched through my messy car for some napkins or tissues. Found something and stuffed it in my nose while tilting my head back. With a groan (I had a bad headache), I caught my reflection in the mirror and I was almost shocked at how exhausted my eyes were. 

The hot breeze poured in from the cracked window onto my dry, sunken face. My red eyes were sunken into hollows. My lip was cracked, dried blood caked in the corner. My hair was messy as it whipped back and forth from the catch of wind. I realized that I might have been looking at myself—really looking at myself—for the first time in a long time. 

“You think I look like shit?” I asked as I looked at Sora, keeping my head tilted back, feeling the drip in my throat that tasted like coins. 

He averted his eyes from the road for only a second to look at me. “You said it, not me.” 

I looked back at the road. “Maybe I need some more sleep.” Or rehab. 

“You look fine,” he said and touched my elbow. I caved into myself from his touch like a hermit. But he squeezed my shoulder like an old friend and I wanted so badly to curl outwards instead of in. 

I glanced up again at the mirror. I was a corpse. And a flash of an image appeared like a weird memory although it wasn’t one. It couldn’t be one. A forest. A boy torn to shreds, unrecognizable. I had just been dreaming of boys in pieces on the floor and pieces of boys in sharp teeth. 

“Want to stop at a diner?” 

“No, I’m not hungry” I said as I rolled down my window. The hot air blew into the car immediately. I squinted my eyes against the white sun to look out at long, long plains of dust and desert. Brown, skinny trees and strange broken down fences. Trailers in the middle of nowhere. Tiny shacks. In the 3 hours Sora had been driving, I’d napped for thirty minutes. All the other time I spent staring at the endless plains of desert and mountains like the spiked back of the horizon line. 

Thankful for Sora doing the driving more often than not, I thought about where we were headed. The Badlands. Back when I’d be up all night, unable to sleep from the rush of the pills, I’d research weird places and the Badlands had caught my eye. The biggest desert in the country with—strangely enough—the biggest graveyard in the county as well. I’d always wondered who would put a graveyard in a desert. Was it a place for people who the living wanted to forget? A place for the awful people in the world who didn’t deserve to sleep in green, flowered hills? 

I didn’t know, but it was hard to think when my head throbbed like this. This uncomfortable tightness in my chest didn’t make me feel any better either. My forehead was sweaty, and the rush of blood felt like it was gone. I pulled the tissue away and heart skipped when I saw just how much blood was on the tissue. 

“Geez, are you okay?” 

“I’m fine, fine,” I said, not wanting him to fuss over me. “I don’t know what it is.” 

“The pills?”

Maybe. They never had made my nose bleed so horribly before, but I didn’t say anything. 

“I remember my nose bleeding in my dream.” 

“What were you dreaming about?” 

I let out a harsh breath and it was if I could feel a rush of negativity blow away like smoke. My insides were made of tar. A toxic darkness inside me that made me who I was. 

I looked at Sora who glanced over to me and smiled, waiting for me to talk to him. I wondered what made him tick. Surely it wasn’t inky. I could imagine something close to serene water lapping at white sand. I shook my head. I didn’t even know what I was thinking anymore. 

“Forests. Carcasses.” 

“Oh.” He said it short because he knew. Our conversation last night, my admittance of bleary endings to child wonderment were nothing more than a reminder to him that I was flawed. And at every corner of my current wonderment when and where would I stumble upon another carcass? 

Would it be my own? 

\-- 

The Badlands. Supposedly the country’s biggest desert. I was here for the “hard-to-find but –worth-the-look” graveyard. But damn, I wiped at my forehead, did it have to be so hot? As if an answer to my thoughts, a splash of cold water smacked me in the face like a palm and the cigarette I’d been smoking fell to the floor. 

My head whipped to the side and there was Sora, hiding his laughter behind his hand but I could still see him smiling. His hands fell away and he began to laugh openly. There was a rumbling in the earth underneath me and I wondered if the ground was really moving, but Sora didn’t show any sign he had felt a thing. Maybe it was the pills I’d taken. 

“Are you just going to stand there?” Sora asked as he dug into his backpack and pulled out a water balloon. The wind carried his laughter into brittle trees and shrubs around us that shook with laughter at my expense. 

He’s always laughing at you. You’re a fool to him. I shook my head. “You ruined my cigarette.”

“Exactly.”

He gave me a wicked smile and threw the balloon at me. This time I was able to block it with my hands, and it fell to the floor, bouncing like jello before stopping at my feet. When I looked back up, Sora was running and so I took off crying out that I didn’t have any ammo. 

The balloon hit its target and it broke on top of my head, drenching me in refreshing water. But the slivers of red balloon stuck to my hair and skin. Like gashes. Like skin. I peeled them off with a quivering in my stomach. 

I stopped running and soon Sora was smashing another water balloon on top of my head and leaving another set of filmy balloon skin to cling to me like leeches. He hooked his arm around my neck and laughed against my skin, his breath hot against my ear. I swallowed but thought fast and reached around his body into the backpack. I felt around what felt like grape eyes at a Halloween party and grabbed a water balloon, not failing to notice how close our faces were to each other. It happened fast. Suddenly I was running away from him, waiting until I heard the kick of his shoes following me. Then I turned and tossed the balloon at Sora—and completely missed. 

“You never play sports in high school or what?”

He’s laughing again. Always laughing. I glared at him but I didn’t want to admit it was probably the effects of the drugs. You’re losing control. “Give me another!” 

“Okay, but only because I bet you you’ll miss.” He dug into his backpack and tossed me one balloon, then another. “Here’s two. That’s how confident I am that you’ll—“

And I nailed him. Right in the face when he was talking. His hair stuck to his forehead and he sputtered. Then he just smiled and laughed. Typical. 

I took off running and didn’t even mind the humid and suffocating air as we chased each other around the desert like kids. Our chests were heaving, and Sora complained of a blister on his heel but still chased me with a vengeance. At one point, I tripped over a rock and my knee bloomed with red but I still didn’t care because I had finally managed to escape my own head. 

Near the end of it all, running and chasing and panting because the heat had been unbearable, we were a pair of scraped knees and blistered feet. Dirt wore us like a second skin and the sun was staining our eyes but neither of us cared . At some point I wasn’t sure if my face hurt from laughter or a sunburn but it seemed like there was finally a moment in all of this that meant something. 

At least it did to me. More than I was willing to even admit to. But why else was Sora’s smile the only thing that could cut through the fog in my mind like a blade of sun? I was happy to be the cause of it. I wanted to be the only one at the end of it. And there were other thoughts that crossed my mind too and I wasn’t sure if they were products of the hyperactivity of my mind on the drugs. 

When Sora and I had been so close to each other—when I was reaching into his backpack and our mouths were only inches away—I hated to admit that I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to cup my hand on the back of his neck and press my dry lips to his. They looked so soft. He smelled so good and fragrant. He’d be so caught off guard he’d drop the balloon he was holding and grab my face because he wanted me just as much. 

I felt another sharp sting and a splash of water. Again! He’d gotten me again! And there was Sora, off to the side, laughing as he pressed his hands against his knees because his sides must have hurt from laughing so hard. I sighed. Was it that funny? 

In a way, I was glad he’d shaken me out of my thoughts. The ones that made me hate myself and my delusions. He would never want a worthless drug addict like you. 

\--

I had managed to hide from him in a small cove hidden behind boulders and spiny trees. The heat singed and my shoes were hot and the water from the balloons was quickly drying. I wiped my sweaty brow and squeezed the water balloon in my hand. One left. We each had managed to have one left and this would determine the winner. Sora was confident, but I had surprise on my side. 

But I hadn’t exactly chosen the most sought after hiding spot in the desert. The farther I had walked the more strange things became. I had managed to find myself surrounded by graves. Tall, short, pointed, round. And looking around, the more discomfort I felt. Images flashed in my mind like memories of moments that hadn’t happened yet. You’re going to die. He said. Just like your mother will. I felt so sick with anxiety from these pills. Why couldn’t I just quit taking them already? 

It was stupid to hide here. Stupid and disrespectful to all the people who were gone and buried here. So I went to turn around and found myself walking…for a while. I past row after row of graves and still didn’t find myself coming any closer to where it began, which didn’t make much sense to me considering I hadn’t gone that far. 

You’ve gotten yourself lost again. Watch out for wolves. Directions weren’t my strong suit on these pills. And I’d taken more than I’d let on to Sora. I could feel—a million times more than when I was sober—my heart thudding in my chest like violence. And I still had the damn water balloon in my hand. 

Now, it was simply about waiting. So five minutes past, then slowly ten. And finally I heard the sound of shoes kicking at dirt. I smirked and popped out from behind the boulder with my arm poised behind me to throw the balloon with a fury. But then I stopped because who I saw looked like Sora but was taller than him to the point where I was looking up. I nearly dropped the balloon but clutched it to my chest and took a few steps back out of surprise. 

“Sorry,” I said, heart hammering away in my chest. 

He looked spikey like the trees around us and just as rotted with his head topped with black spikes like burnt branches. He ran his hands through his hair and I saw cuffs with gold spikes strapped around his wrist. He wore a lopsided smile and his skin was pale and I could only imagine how hot he must have been wearing black shorts and a shirt. And he looked at me with eyes that were borderline cruel even though they were really stunning to say the least. Different shades of blue with flecks of black framed with thick lashes. 

I blushed and looked away when the guy laughed. 

“Throw it, I dare you.” He laughed again and I looked around quickly, hoping to catch a glimpse of Sora. I didn’t see anything except for dust kicking around and scattered trees. 

“No, it’s meant for someone.” 

“Isn’t that cute?” 

We stood there for a while. I shifted uncomfortably. Run. He could be dangerous. 

“I’m looking for someone,” he said as he began to circle me. “He got away from me again. I don’t know when he’s going to learn he can’t leave me behind. Bad things could happen to him all alone.”

This guy is dangerous. Run! I started to get the idea that maybe this guy wasn’t talking about ‘someone.’ Maybe he was talking about me. My hands started to shake. Idiot. You thought you wouldn’t die out here. They were right. Hayner, Olette, Pence. 

He started to walk away then gestured for me to follow with a gesture of his arm. “I’m heading out of the graveyard if you want to follow me.”

I stood there in a paralysis, weighing my options. I wondered why this guy knew how to get out of the graveyard so well. If he could get me out. And when I looked up at the sky in all its orange and purple and bloody reds I realized it was slowly getting dark. 

Despite my apprehensions, I followed him. 

We walked in silence for a while all the while passing row after row of headstones. He didn’t seem to care when he stepped on a particularly soft, fresh patch of dirt, but I did my best to avoid them. Relieved, I realized that the graves were becoming sparser. We were almost out of the graveyard and this guy hadn’t done anything. He hadn’t even talked to me in around ten minutes. So, to ease my mind, I took out a cigarette from my pocket and lit it, inhaling with an urgency. Almost instantly I felt a calm. I offered him one and he took it without even a grunt of acknowledgement. Finally, I decided to speak up. “So, who are you looking for?” 

“A relative.” His next words were edged. “Family’s so important, huh?” He looked down at me over his nose. The way he looked at me made me feel so small. Not the way Sora looked at me. In some ways, this guy made me think of Sora. The sharpness of his face clashes with the roundness in Sora’s, but the facial similarities were there. But, he made me so much colder than anything I felt with Sora. I couldn’t help but think that maybe Sora was who this guy was talking about, but I didn’t say anything. I remembered how scared Sora had been the first time I’d met him. And if this was the guy, then it made complete sense. 

“Yeah.” I said. I didn’t know why he was giving me taunting look. I looked away, my cheeks flushed. 

He said something under his breath that I didn’t catch. Wait a second. I stopped in my steps and looked at the guy with a quirked brow. 

“Do you live here…?” I knew it would be pretty crazy for someone to live in the Badlands, but I was almost certain that Ventus and Riku never left the places I met them at. The wonders were stuck in their place, and maybe this guy was my next wonder. And everything would be a hell of a lot less shocking if I knew that beforehand. But what was he going to try to tell me? 

“Nah.” Oh. I tilted my head to the side. Maybe I was wrong. “I’m only here because I’m looking for someone.” 

It was Sora, wasn’t it? “That’s weird. You think they’re here?” 

“He got caught up with some idiot.”

I flinched. Was he talking about me? “Oh. So you’re just looking out for him.” I stopped walking. Since I was behind him, it took him a second to realize. When he did, he stopped and turned to me.

“He shouldn’t be on his own. He’s worthless. Useless.” Worthless. Useless. Worthless. Useless. “He could get hurt. He could die.” When the smoke blew out from his mouth it reminded me of monsters that breathed fire and blew smoke. But he also made me think of my own family. Myself. Was I useless? Worthless? Was I going to get hurt and die? What about my mom and dad? My mom was certainly helpless and sometimes I wondered if I had been the reason she was still here. Because I was always looking out for her. You could have died if you stayed . 

“You traveling?” He asked. 

The smoke enveloping around us made me feel dizzy but I didn’t care. I inhaled again and reveled in how it burned my dry throat. “Yeah.” 

“Why?” I swallowed. I didn’t want to tell him the real reason. 

“To experience new things. To see places I might not ever see.” To get away from my fucked up family. To be reckless and idiotic one last time. 

Vanitas laughed. It wasn’t anything like Sora’s laugh. All of a sudden I started to feel strange in my head. There was a vibe coming from Vanitas that I didn’t like. I felt a negativity crawl under my skin. It made my heart feel weird. Like I couldn’t breathe. Heavy and tight. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling though. Anxiety. Pathetic. “Look around. This desert worth it?”

“I don’t know. At least I’ve seen it.” Had any of the wonders been worth it? They were in a way…because of the people I’d met there. Ventus. Riku They made me think and question. 

“I’m sure this graveyard reminds you of home.” 

I snapped. “What the fuck does that mean?” I knew it. I fucking knew he was a wonder. “You’re a wonder, aren’t you?” He turned and began to walk away and I ran forward to catch up with him and grabbed his arm so he wouldn’t get away. “What’s your name? What lesson do you have for me? What are you trying to tell me here?”

He laughed again. Threw his head back even like he had some sort of issues. My grip tightened on his arm but his skin was hot to the touch and I had to let go. 

“Vanitas.” He said. I didn’t know what the word meant and I just stared at him, confused. “My name.” He smirked. “Here’s a lesson for ya. I know a guy who traveled.” His shoulders were shaking with laughter. “Took a trip. When he came home his family had been killed. He was heartbroken. Figured he could have been around to save them, spend time with them in their last days. Sad, isn’t it?” He still laughed and I looked at him in disgust. 

“What’s so funny? Is this some kind of threat?” I jabbed my finger into his chest and I thought of my family. My mom. I’d tried my best to ignore thinking about it but I couldn’t help myself. What if she died before I came back? What if she overdosed? 

My heart hammered and I looked at Vanitas with hatred, and then a paralyzing fear when he stepped closer. 

“If you see a guy who looks at me, tell him I’m going to fucking find him, no matter how far he runs. I’ll be following.” He stared at me before a sound caught his attention and he glanced over. I did too, noticed a heavy wind, and when I looked back Vanitas was gone. There was nothing there but the wind that picked up dirt where he once stood. 

\--

I didn’t know where I was. Vanitas was gone. Sora was gone. I had been panicking now for an hour straight and in my panic, had gotten myself more and more lost in the Badlands. It was dark and I was still high. I just wanted this to all go away. Lost again.

I guess it had all started when I tried to call my Mom, my Dad, and there was no answer. No call back. And it had been how long? I began to feel hopeless. I began to regret my decision to leave. You aren’t worth anything. 

I stopped walking. My calves ached. My thighs were on fire. I had a scrape on my leg from when I fell just minutes ago. It was now wet, sticky, and covered in sand. I took a deep breath and looked up at the sky and as loud as I could I screamed. A mix of curses, screams. 

“Just shut up already…” I said as I clutched my head. These thoughts. A little voice in my head. A person inside me that hated me so much. It was always the same. I’d take the pill, euphoria would hit, and then I’d be stuck with rapid-fire thoughts that quickly went from everything and anything to words of pure hatred and anxiety. 

But I couldn’t let them win. I just needed to calm down and retrace my steps. I looked around. The trees around me were alive. Bright green, lush and perfectly sculpted. So unlike every other dead thing I’d seen here. It caught me off guard. And as I stood there in silence, I became aware of my heartbeat again. It had finally slowed. A heartbeat. The trees were alive. I stared at them. Another heartbeat and the trees shriveled away to brown. 

I held my hand to my heart. Boom. The trees regained life. Boom. Dying. 

I turned and ran with my hands on the sides of my face because I couldn’t take this any longer. I was losing my mind. Going crazy. Hallucinating. Which one was it? Was it this place? What was the wonder? Or who? It’s you. 

My legs gave way and I fell forward into sand. Loose sand. I began to tremble as the frigid wind began to beat against my sunburnt skin. It picked up speed until it wasn’t a breeze or a gust but a storm. A sand storm where dirt and rocks and sand cut through my skin. I thought it might break through, embed into me. I felt the desert might take me and for some reason, I didn’t mind it. 

I sat there on my knees, hands in my lap, head down. Broken. Defeated. Everything hurt. The storm was making my hair whip fast and all I could hear around me was the sound of gusting winds. I felt like I was sinking. I was sinking, deeper, and deeper down into the sand. 

It could swallow me. The Badlands could be my graveyard too because I wouldn’t be getting better anytime soon. I was a wreck. Not just my drug problem but my mentality. Everything had been going okay and I knew all I could see in front of me was a fucked up situation, and I knew I lived my life this way. A victim of mentality my dad called it. 

Die then. Worthless. Useless. 

The sand came up over my hands. I closed my eyes. Never before had my heart felt so calm. Not in a long time had my thoughts slowed. 

And then I felt myself being dragged up and I felt warm hands touching me. Grabbing me. Pulling me up. My name. I heard my name. 

I looked up to see gold and the softness around them. We stared at each other for a long time, unwavering, and unblinking. I mouthed his name. 

“Roxas.” Sora said and dragged me up out of the sinking sand. I pushed up to meet him. With a hard tug, I fell forward against him and wrapped my arms around him. I buried my face into his neck as he wrapped his arm tightly around my waist. I cried. Sora held me. And we were solid against the dust storm that died down, twirling our hair and clothes gently in the now soft breeze. 

\--

Sora didn’t ask me what I was doing out there. I didn’t have the words to explain it. Not the heartbeat trees or the rapid onset of the storm. Not Vanitas, who I had a feeling was looking for Sora, the boy with the golden eyes. The one who had pulled me up from the sand and who I’d let pull me up from the sand. 

I was finally sober and I knew the drug had something to do with my fucked up state of mind. My suicidal state. Maybe I was done with them. 

“How do you always find me?” It was the first thing I said to him in a while. We were laying by our campsite with a fire flickering softly off to the side. And our small tent set up. The one I’d brought because I knew I’d be heading to the Badlands. It was small, but we could fit if we sat close. My cheeks flushed. I wanted to be close to him. And I hated it. 

“I always hear you. At Hallow Bastion I heard you yelling at someone. In the storm, I heard you crying.” 

I hadn’t realized I’d been crying in the storm. I had only felt it when Sora pulled me out. 

“You listen for me then.” I glanced away from him to look back up to the stars above us. With no city lights around there was nothing to illuminate the sky and so it was like staring at something glittering. Blues and blacks and purples dotted with bright stars. It seemed almost liquid, almost lucid. It was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever seen. “Something like this…is what I went on this road trip for,” I admitted. 

Next to me, Sora touched my arm and I knew he was smiling, even if I wasn’t looking. 

“I’m enjoying this too. I’m glad you’re okay. But Roxas,” he tugged my arm and I glanced over at him. “Stop getting yourself lost. What if I don’t find you one day?” He asked as he turned fully to face me. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t feel like crying or like laughing. But what I did feel was almost too powerful an emotion, a feeling too strong I couldn’t hold it back by biting my lip or closing my eyes. “I can’t help it. I came on this trip to explore. And I guess I’m not that good with directions.” 

“Well, I won’t stop looking.” He said. 

We stared at each other and the fire beside us cracked. Shadows played and danced across his frame. My eyes were on his before they fell to settle on his lips. I knew I might have been misinterpreting what Sora was saying, but I could have sworn I felt it. A life there. A static pulling us close. Everything in this desert felt dead and negative, but those feelings were gone once I was with him, and I knew that had to count for something. 

“I don’t want you to stop.” I said. I watched him take in a deep breath and before I knew it I was leaning forward and I closed my eyes and then I felt Sora’s mouth against mine. This wasn’t a fantasy or a dream or a hallucination, right? It couldn’t have been. It felt too real. I pressed a bit harder. Maybe I was scared he’d disappear. 

He kissed me back, soft and gentle. His arms wrapped around my neck and pulled me closer and everything was quiet and all I could hear was his soft breathing.

His mouth parted. My hand brushed his cheek then rose to run through his hair. I sighed contently. And then he pulled away and it was over. I looked down at him, panting. He wasn’t smiling. He was serious for once and I wasn’t sure why that was. I didn’t like the heavy, straight line of his mouth, so I covered it again with my own.


End file.
